let's dance in style, so says the guy with two left feet.

whatever

MAX WIDTH 224px.

loser

What's broken can never be mended. So says my back, elbow, knee, toe and much much more.

LOVES
& Her
& ULTIMATE

HATES
& Two-timers.

WISH
& New back
& New knee
& new toe
& new elbow
& You.
& Mercurial.
& Ultimate Coaching licence.

x

skin by heroine
1

2

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

"Sing For Absolution"

lips are turning blue
a kiss that can't renew
I only dream of you
my beautiful

tiptoe to your room
a starlight in the gloom
I only dream of you
and you never knew

sing for absolution
I will be singing
falling from your grace

there's nowhere left to hide
in no one to confide
the truth runs deep inside
and will never die

lips are turning blue
a kiss that can't renew
I only dream of you
my beautiful

sing for absolution
I will be singing
falling from your grace

sing for absolution
I will be singing
falling from your grace

our wrongs remain unrectified
and our souls won't be exhumed

"Would you still love me in the morning?"
"Forever and ever, babe.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

DISC IN

Yesterday
I had the sweetest lay.
14-4.
Bring back the glory.
The ultimate story.

"Would you still love me in the morning?"
"Forever and ever, babe.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Hate Me.

I have to block out thoughts of you so I don’t lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I’m alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you. Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?
And will you never try to reach me?
It is I that wanted space

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

I’m sober now for 3 whole months it’s one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won’t touch again
In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I’ll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling “Make it go away!”
Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered “How can you do this to me?”

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

I dreamt of you last night. I dreamt you were with me again and i held you close once again. Maybe that would be the last. Please don't let it be.

"Would you still love me in the morning?"
"Forever and ever, babe.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Sigh.

I only flick,
when the heart is sick.
P'haps if you don't see me again,
you'll no longer feel pain.
Til your hate never sobers,
Til you forget my number
But til the end
I'll still want to be your friend.
And for making you cry.
I'll n'vr forgive me til i die.

I miss you.

"Would you still love me in the morning?"
"Forever and ever, babe.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

FROM ME TO R ABOUT AC

What more do you want from her?

Stop hurting each other by being so childish can? AC is already accommodating to you so frigging unconditionally what more do you want? You want her to be completely subdued by you?

Everything also got to listen to you otherwise you have the rights to throw tandrum. So many rules, so many conditions. Might as well go and find a slave whom you can abuse? AC also human what she needs to have her needs heard she needs to feel needed and loved too. She needs her space as well. You want respect, gain hers as well.

Want to drop hints also dont drop until so harsh what. Sometimes you drop until so subtle, like pushing the person away like that how you expect the other to react? Always YOU YOU YOU. Together already still act so hard to get for what? Very pretty ar? A lot of people want you ar? Then go lah. Stop tormenting others just to make yourself feel so precious so wanted.

Your facts ar. Wah haha. Sound so intimidating. "you cannot. You cannot. Can never." Who the mankok using absolutes now? HUH? Sounds as if you just want a clean break but dare say she pushing you away. YOU ARE LIKE THE BOY WHO CRY WOLF. So dont you dare cry in the end. No one will care about you anymore. Attract then repel. Attract then repel. One day she will just leave and i believe she will.

BTW this is just what is just my perspective correct me if im wrong. And you painted this perspective yourself. I'm just trying to gain justice for my friend.

You get angry so easily. And AC has to coax you, calm you down. But it's wrong for AC to get angry. where got fair? Mind what you say can? How can she not doubt you with all the stuff you said? Facts or not, it is really suggestive can? "The king has a new crush" is a song. Pffft. Pur-lease.

Huh. Come when you need her but when come for you must see your mood. Forever hot cold hot cold one lei. Emo wanktard. Not happy only ignore THE WHOLE world gots to appease you and wait for you to calm down whilst suffering your scorn.

YOU MADE THINGS SO HARD TO TREAD yourself. So stop blaming her. See lah. She is afraid to talk to you freely anymore. Cos you get pissed off so easily.

Afraid to showing affection, Afraid of saying nice things cos you accuse sweet nothings as just EMPTY WORDS TO MAKE YOU HAPPY ONLY. EVerything she say must have reason want. You can talk all you want about your friends she cant. REFLECT.

All the vulgarities. And you still expect her to talk nicely. Dont you dare smile else where i will slap the smile off your face.

Relight her fire. If not stop pouring cold water.

"Would you still love me in the morning?"
"Forever and ever, babe.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

I've never done enough for you.

These few days i have been self reflecting and now i feel like Dorian Gray or rather I've become Dorian Gray himself.

Whenever you feel angry towards someone, just keep in mind it takes two hands to clap. Something must have triggered the other party to say things which might have been hurtful and always remember to ask thyself are you the cause that has sparked off the other party? Well i know i have.

Do not always be too quick to assume. When things are subtle please i implore all of you not to react based one your impuluse. If you are not sure of something, ask. Trust is what makes love so special. When you love someone, that someone is the person you can trust the most. If someone tells you something a truth that might upset you, it is because the person trusts you enough to tell you something as raw as such. Do not misplace person's trust, especially those whom you love the most and loves you the most. And do not take a person's trust for granted.

For when she told me she loved me, when i held her close and i told her the same, it defies logic but i could actually feel it. The love was almost something physical. And to have actually held on to something as powerful and dear to me and now losing it, it is like ripping the skin off your body. And the guilt, regret and shame i feel everyday is a pain that defies any physical pain i have ever felt.

The only rational act is love. Why feel hate, when it will only hurt? Why doubt, when the uncertainty will kill you? Why assume the worst all the time? All these will only lead to miscommunication. and if communication is key in a relationship... Why destroy something beautiful by assuming?

This is something i picked up and read the day after i said some stuff that i have no intention of saying, and have no intention of hurting. And i find it rings true not just for me but for everyone. So let this be learning from my mistake so no one else will suffer from similiar mistakes, and no one else will get hurt from these mistakes.

The most important thing about life is to give out love, and let it comeback. Love without fear, and love without too many conditions. Love is like the wind. The more you try to control it, the more of a hindrance it becomes instead.

Why are we embarrassed by silence? what comfort do we find in noise? At least we talk, we say things, we feel angry, it only shows we care. We still can feel. We want the other to know how we feel, as we want to know what the other feels.

When i close my eyes, and try to rid every thought in my head, it's like sweeping everything off a cluttered study desk. Clearing every to-do-list. reminders and what not. And under all these clutter is a photo i can never get rid of no matter what. It is a photo of you. And it's not just any photo. It's the photo of you showing love. Showing concern. You made me feel important. I should make you feel even more important.

Sometimes i feel a surge of love for you but i dont say anything because im frozen with the fear of what those words might do to the relationship. There is no formula to a relationship. They have to be negotiated in caring ways, with room for both parties. What they want and what they need, what the can do and what their life is like. Don't always appear independent there is nothing to hide in front of the person you love. Make them feel needed, but don't over do things.

Alyssa i apologize from the bottem of my heart there is nothing more i ever want than you not to be angry witm me anymore i dont want to and i wont ever take you for granted anymore...

There is nothing else to numb the pain anymore not even temporary. The runs are completed but the pain is still there. There is no longer comfort in anything else. I sleep and i force my self to sleep as being concious only torments me further. i can never rest i can never find inner peace things will never be the same again...

"Would you still love me in the morning?"
"Forever and ever, babe.

Friday, September 19, 2008

Only you can say.

I only have three regrets in life.

The first was not meeting you earlier in the first place.

The second was losing you.

The third is hurting you this way. Making you think i doubted yout love.

Everything is lost...

"Would you still love me in the morning?"
"Forever and ever, babe.

Only you can say.

I only have three regrets in life.

The first was not meeting you earlier in the first place.

The second was losing you.

The third is hurting you this way. Making you think i doubt you.

Everything is lost...

"Would you still love me in the morning?"
"Forever and ever, babe.

Absolute absolution.

I'm only going to say this word once, for you're probably sick of this word that i've used over and over again. And it's probably the magnitude, not the quantity of the word that counts.

I'm sorry, Alyssa.

There is no denying that i said something wrong that night. At that moment i was too emotional and i used absolutes in my statement that hurt you.

I really did not mean that i doubted you all along. It was just that particular phrase that triggered me. But it is really my mistake for being so sensitive and reading into so much. You were right. Those were only facts and it was up to me to handle them in anyway. I did it the wrong way. And i deserve to pay for it.

I am Ashamed for that split second of folly which lead to hurt and mistrust that i have put in you. I dont want it to last any longer in you.

A moment of folly, a life time of regret. i feel so empty now. I have been loved before by no other, like no other, like never before, and i have loved the same way. Because i have felt the absolute love, now i feel the absolute loss. i know you loved/love me. i always did.

And every moment with you, i remember. And i remember every moment of love you have given me be it call, message or even closures.so now it wrenches my heart thinking of what i did wrong on tuesday night.

On wednesday, i couldn't study at all. the whole of wednesday was spent in guilt. And tears. this is not a sorry sick attempt to win you back. My tears are the scars of my mistakes only.

So i beg you. please forgive me. There is no forgiveness like yours. and i can never be at ease until the day you do. all i ever need is you to be never hurt by me again...

I remembered the time you said, i love you too. That sound clip will forever be etched in my head, and my heart. Cos i felt it. and i know it was true.

I love you Alyssa. I just hope it doesnt hurt anymore. If forgetting me and forsaking me is your answer for not being hurt anymore, against my will, please do.

"Would you still love me in the morning?"
"Forever and ever, babe.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Tsk

It feels so uneasy and restless sitting here not knowing how you are or what you're thinking. What's more this feeling is stronger than ever. But is it ok to even tell you that,

I miss you.

"Would you still love me in the morning?"
"Forever and ever, babe.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Sleepy head. I'm dead.

Seems like im not even worth your promise
Continuing would spell me own demise.
I trust my eyes
But my ears tell me otherwise.
T'was never in anyones good books
Not with my kind of looks.

Im giving up. I'm letting go. It's what you want me to do, it's what that will make you happier.

So there. I've never treated you well anyway. That's the vibes im getting.

You were my sweetest downfall. I loved you first.

Goodbye, my lover. Goodbye my friend. You have been the one. You have been the one for me.

"Would you still love me in the morning?"
"Forever and ever, babe.

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

today was really bright, a contrary to my mood.

You are my sunrise
You are my sunset.
It would be impossible
To start my day
If i do not wake
Seeing your face.

No one else can light the skies
With such splendour
Even if the day has left me weary
Fatigue fades when i see your beauty.

Either way
Night or day,
I want to spend my life
Watching you,
Loving you,
Being by your side.

"Would you still love me in the morning?"
"Forever and ever, babe.

Monday, September 08, 2008

Roses.

Maybe i shouldn't keep what i have in mind too often. My head is a black hooooooole... Cold, dark, and nothing can be stored there too long. Thats why only selected thoughts and memoires and " " get kept in the...

Anyway i want to COMPLAIN. Im not very good at using words to describe myself so im going to use simple ways to explain to you what happen in the morning that pissed me off so badly.

(Illustrations to be added soon)

(jun Bin and i get on the bus)
(Bus not packed. But some people refuse to move to the back of the bus where there is ample space for a CATS! performance)

Me: Wah the bus very packed sia...

(Chinese man who was enjoying a lot of space)
CM: OUI WHY THE BUS SO LONG ONE FASTER LAH I LATE LAH BLOODY HELL (And he rambles off in chinese. Vulgar or not, i didnt care.)

Picture this. Me and Jun Bin were CLINGING on to the ticket dispenser for our dear lives of risk falling off and being trampled by impatient passengers.

Next bus stop.

(doors open, passengers try to get on board.)
(man from the door)

MAn:Hey can the people at the back move in?
Driver: Hey can the people at the back move in?
( mind you the entire thing was in chinese, with the exception of me the angmoh tongue.)
CM: Starts swearing.

(people board, im squished, im seperated from Jun Bin and i nearly sit on the bus driver.)

School bus stop.

First thing only this fool starts hammering the door of the bus before it opens

"LATE AR LATE AR"
( A LOT OF swearing)

Since no one was gracious enough to let me move behind,this other MI student and i had no choice but to exit from the front. But Lo and Behold! I was suddenly on the set of 300! The boarding passengers literally charged up the bus. Being a gracious person, i didnt shoulder butt my way to the back door. I merely released my inner Beng and gave my "You dont like it when im angry face" and said:

EXCUSE ME.

The entire bus became silent, no one swore, no one complained. A path paved in front of me like moses and the red sea. Everyone was looking at me. In fear? In awe? doesn't matter i got out of that ugly place.

Last night someone told me something, which i had been holding back to say. Thus this the trite.

With a single thought:

Blood draws from my body; invisible reins.
Coldness creeps in my veins
The sky will fall on my head
And i'll be one of the millions dead.
An Eclipse will eat my sun forever
And i a living cadever
All the stars in my skies fade and die
Angels lose their wings and will never fly
All will be lost, all will be gone
And i will be all alone.

The single thought that leaves me sleepness nights
Makes my stomach ever so tight.
Food loses its taste,
Time tortures me by losing haste
And so does the thought that lingers
Now that i've let you slip through my fingers

The thought of your hand,
Given to another man.

I would have nothing else to lose, once i've lost you.

"Would you still love me in the morning?"
"Forever and ever, babe.

Sunday, September 07, 2008

welcome to the converse century.

im very tired.

IM TIRED OF EVERYTHING.

MY WHOLE BODY ACHES. EVERY MUSCLE EVERY VEIN EVERY NERVE IS SCREAMING

I CAN HARDLY BREATHE PROPERLY NOW.

Asking me to end is like asking the blind to see or the deaf to hear; the lame to dance; the dumb to sing.

"Would you still love me in the morning?"
"Forever and ever, babe.

Saturday, September 06, 2008

haiz

Alphe im sorry.

i apologize to everyone

"Would you still love me in the morning?"
"Forever and ever, babe.

if words dont mean anything anymore, what use is ryhmes?

"Would you still love me in the morning?"
"Forever and ever, babe.

Friday, September 05, 2008

Absolution. Mea Cupa. Cure.

It doesn't matter if you read this or not. I don't even know if you're angry or not ( i am quite dense but im thinking it's a yes)

Seriously i don't know what you're thinking unless you tell unless it's things you told me im not perfect im not the drama or movie lover that knows everything or always say the right thing at the right time or would produce a happy ending. Sweet? i never expected to write trite that is sweet when the grieve is so full like the moisture in the cloud rain will come everything will pour out but the pain is still not washed away.

Im not blaming anyone else i have no more energy to blame anyone else you're tired im tired everybody is tired there is nothing left on this earth that i will make me happy i mean i can think of stuff but will it happen? Which monkey reads this blog anyways? i think i'll revert to stealing my sisters exercise books and keep a ruddy journal with horrendous handwriting so i cant read about the past and be unhappy anymore.

Why can't things be like year one? Where my mind was ACTIVE where i could churn trite where i would write sweet nothings even on the train scribbling rhymes on my hands and having no one else to criticise them?

I am one who read a lot when i was young i love rhymes i want to write a childrens rhyme book i love children but why do people see me as paedophile? Damnations nothing matter now right?

I once said that if i were to every do something really drastic i would go and eat Sakae.

I am the Ridiculous Rhymer here i shall VOMIT every thought in my mind now rhyme or not.

Dont worry. Whatever it is im not going to die, at least not literally.

what is tomorrow,
If today is an over kill
of sorrow?
What is the future,
If love is a failed
endeavour?

What is life without you?
Not another sick Cliche
Not another failed attempt to win you back.
You don't deserve words that anyone else can use so easily too easily over-used.

Sometimes i want to disappear
Just fade away.
For you'll never be here.
To see what these tears have to say.

I no longer cry.
Every bit of tear
has been drained from me,
i fear.
The day we split
I had a heart eclipse
Tsunamis of tears washed.
earthqaukes tremours from
a quivering mouth that stammers
to say sorry.
once is too little.
twice is too much.

Tonight i close my eyes so tight and clap my hands together so hard and pray to a God i have forsaken for so long to bring back an Angel i have let slipped away oh please love please turn back time i wont turn my back on you anymore this cannot be more raw than ever.

So out it comes.
Every morning i wake up thinking of you
i wake up remembering you are not mine anymore
i wake up knowing that the chill i feel is not the morning dew but tears from last night
I wake up lying on my bed for without you life is not worth living anymore
I go to school risking seeing you again.
Seeing you brings back all the regrets
seeing you makes me feel like a fool.

I want to hold your hand again
I want to hold you close once more.
I want to whisper to you that i love you
i want to whisper so softly that even the air around us have to strain to hear
i want to whisper so for it's only for you to hear.
i want to whisper loud enough so you'll hear it clear
I want you to smile at every sweet nothing i say
It's ironic for these sweet nothings come from the bottem of my heart
I cannot tell you in any other way.
When i hold you close it is not lust i feel
No once have i felt lust
its is Love
LOVE
LOVE
you are love without you there is no love there is no life
Love comeback. Please.

" i could spend my life in this sweet surrender"
" I DONT WANNA CLOSE MY EEEEEEEEEYES I DONT WANNA FALL ASLEEP COS I MISS YOU BABY AND I DONT WANNA MISS A THING"
i dont want to miss anything else.

Tongue of sharpened steel. you've mauled my heart
Along with words riddled with sharpnels of break up
Dousing my passion with a wet blanket made of your disappointment
Beating me down with my own love
Making me kneel with simple words with hard meanings when put together
But why do i still crawl to you on shards of my own broken heart and bleed over and over again?

Because i love you so.
I love you still.
I need you still.
I need you so.

"Would you still love me in the morning?"
"Forever and ever, babe.

Thursday, September 04, 2008

I DONT USUALLY LIKE TO USE THE WORD BUT THIS LAPTOP OF MINE HAS REACHED THE LIMIT.

there i am TEDIOUSLY typing when suddenly the stupid thing backed itself to the previous page and i have to retype.

Here we go again.

Freedom of speech is often impeded by obstacles and forms of obstacles that have bared their ugly face to me are fatigue, my lack of vocabulary, short term memory and a satanic laptop/keyboard.

I suspect the devil himself has cometh to possess this keyboard of mine as the letter six keeps popping out. It is sick and disgusting and tiring to have to hold the shift button and type at the same time, as holding down the shift button is the only way to prevent the six from coming out as i type.

But holding down the shift button does not eliminate the problem completely. There is this constant drilling sound the is emitted as the six attempts to come out. Very much like the soldier demon at the starting of the film CONSTANTINE.

Long ago some idiotic baby cockroach climbed under the keyboard of my laptop and bit some circuits causing the laptop to go haywire.

Sometimes this faggotary laptop behaves like a woman. Dont let them get what they want, they go ballistic. This piece of crap has crashed on me more times than i change underwear and i wash more than 3 briefs a day and dont ask why.

SHORT TERm memory. there is nothing to type when you cant remember a single thing.

lack of vocab cannot type. see what i mean? back to the six problem, if i do not hold down the shift i type 66666666666666L666666I6666666K66E6666666666 666666T66H66666A666666T666666 666666666666666D66666E66666666666666666666666S6666E66666E6666666 66666TY666O666U666666 CAN SEE 6 666A66666666666 666666S666H6666686666T66666666666.6666666666666666666666

well done laptop.

oh well.

on monday i went to the esplanade library to study with Pamela.
on tuesday i went for some maths crash course thingy from nine to six and i spent 35 dollars to sleep.
on wednesday i went to school to study with pamela again. after that i left to study with syen kai and the others at woodlands library but it rained sooooooo heavily i couldnt cross over so i went home instead. at around seven i met luqman and we had a little VS until nine.
today i went to the esplanade lib again to study. today it got TOOO warm.

oh yeah i bought a new pair of converse SWEET and i owe pamela for that. not literally but meraphorically.

coaching frisbee on saturday 6yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.

"Would you still love me in the morning?"
"Forever and ever, babe.

Monday, September 01, 2008

Excessive caffeine intake causes stomachaches, headaches, irritability and inability to concentrate. Sounds familiar? sounds like me... Im screwed... And i can't go a day without tea or coffee. Sian

i dont know what else to say.

"Would you still love me in the morning?"
"Forever and ever, babe.